“CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART” HILARIOUS INSTRUCTION GUIDE

By Tanya M. Petrokov

Have fun with this hilarious step by step cat bathing instruction guide by Bud Herron:

Firstly, the important thing here is knowing how to dress. Recommended attire includes canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, steel mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. Although you have the advantage of strength, your cat holds the advantages of speed and an utter disregard for human life at this moment. Choose your battlefield appropriately and don’t try to bathe in an open area; you will not catch a wet angry cat. Ideally, pick the smallest bathroom, four feet square would be perfect, and if you can get in the tub with the cat behind a sliding-glass door you are ahead of the game. Don’t expect a rubber shower curtain to help unless you are planning to re-decorate in a paper-shredder theme. Have everything ready in advance as there won’t be time later for searching. Draw the water, have the shampoo inside the glass enclosure and towel at hand. Using the element of surprise, very non-chalantly pick up your cat as if carrying it to the food dish. In a single fluid motion step into the glass enclose, slide the door shut and begin the first dip. You have now begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life and you will quickly realize that your cat has no handles. Fur, water, soap and fear combine to make your cat as easy to hang on to as an eel in an oil pit. Rinsing usually happens when the cat springs free into the water. Don’t expect more than three latherings -it has never been done. Now you are ready to consider the drying stage. Do not even think about using a blow dryer at this point, you might as well use a vacuum cleaner. Remember it is vitally important not to laugh at your cat after the towel-drying fuzz generating step. Your cat will now ignore you for about three weeks which may or may not include the “psycho-ceramic” fixed stare plaster figurine stage. In the words of Stephen Baker.. “To bathe a cat requires brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction -and a cat. The last ingredient is the hardest to come by.”

I hope you are smiling and are reminded just how special the house cat truly is. On that note, and in a continuing effort to bring our high cat numbers down, we are featuring four fantastic felines this week.