Rules for Cats who Run a House

By Tanya M. Petrokov

From The Lanark Animal Welfare Society (LAWS) L.A.W.S., P.O. Box 156, Smiths Falls, ON, K7A 4T1:

1) Do not allow closed doors in any room. If an outside door has been opened for you, stand halfway in and out. This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow, mosquito season and extreme heat.

2) When selecting a lap to sit on, select the fabric which contrasts well with your fur. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

3) In the kitchen, be sure to position yourself just behind the left heel of the cook. You thereby stand the best chance of being stepped on, comforted and perhaps given a treat.

4) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book.

5) Dart out quickly in front of humans especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark or when they first get up in the morning. This helps with their coordination skills.

6) While humans would have your believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands, they are actually bed mice. Bed mice are rumoured to be the most delicious of all mice although they have never yet been caught. You might be the first.

7) When playing bed games at night, ideally use two or more cats and you may include one dog. One cat is “IT.” This game allows for unusual tactics which must be balanced by the unstable playing field on the human. Note: Excess amounts of this game may lead to expulsion from the bedroom. If the human awakens, immediately begin purring and cuddling. This should buy you some time.

8) Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are the same colour as the bag and very difficult to see. You can easily hear them crinkling as they scurry around the bag. Shredding the bag is an excellent tactic for getting them. Any other cat you find in the bag hunting for bag mice is also fair game.

9)If you are ill you will be taken to the vet. When you see the carrier come out immediately splay your legs. If another pet it is in the carrier, always allow the other pet to bolt when the door is opened. At other times you might be ill at home and if you have to throw up, get to a chair, oriental rug or carpeting immediately. When being sick be sure to back up so it is longer then a human’s bare foot.

10) Beware of the vacuum cleaner. This appalling beast is also known by the name of “cat eater.” These raging monsters are to be avoided at all costs. If the human opens the vacuum and removes a swollen bag, beware as this is its stomach. Caution!

Thanks to nanceestar.com for these Cat tips.